I’m a bit of a jumble right now, but I can’t really explain why. For some reason I still feel guilty for having free time on my hands. I know it could have something to do with the fact that I’ve been sucking at my job lately, but I still don’t believe that God is unhappy with my relaxing.
But for some reason I think and feel that way.
And I know I should pray about it.
But I’ve spent so much time making myself feel guilty that I find myself wasting time in prayer. I spend most of my time with God trying to think of things to apologize for so that He won’t have any reason to ignore my honest, genuine prayers.
I want to pray what I mean, pray what I need. Pray to be good at my job and reach people and be a blessing to the people I work with. Pray to be a better boyfriend, better listener and WAY better communicator.
But I still have this guilt complex nagging me out of honesty.
What do you do with that?
Sean, God never gives us a sense of guilt. Conviction, yes – but conviction is a positive thing. A passionate tug in our hearts that motivates us to change. Guilt only makes us feel crappy and incapable of moving forward. On the contrary, God is the essence of moving forward, of gaining freedom, of experiencing wholeness and life — so there’s no reason for you to feel guilty.
Now, I’m a perfectionist, so I know the taste of guilt all too well… and it’s worse than the aftertaste of eating 1/2 an onion or – God forbid – 5-hour old, lukewarm coffee (*shudder*). Anyway… it’s really hard to “get rid” of guilt. You can brush your teeth of it seven times, and you’ll still feel like you taste it.
And when we let the aftertaste get to us — that’s when the enemy grins. He’s accomplished his task; he’s taken our focus away from God, and we are left with this heavy, hopeless, lethargic load of guilt.
But there’s a way out.
I’m slowly learning that I feel better about myself ONLY when I’m not thinking about myself. Instead of trying to brush off the guilt, patch up my shortcomings, or make infinite lists of ways I should and could be, I have been learning to take it easy. Worship. Meditate on how good God is and how His grace is sufficient for me. Pray for others before myself. And when I do pray for myself, I sometimes don’t even ask for specifics — but simply, “God, shape me into your image, your liking.”
So you get the point… what needs to be done is a shifting of sorts. …Maybe you can focus on something else for a while?